Sunday, April 29, 2007

Comic Store Employee worried that he has become a 'media stereotype'

Long-time Metropolis Comix employee, Adam Dwight became self-consciously aware last Thursday of how much he conforms to the media stereotype of a 'massive geek'.

The 36 year old Plebville, Wyoming resident began to question several of his life choices when he caught sight of himself in a shop window.

"I was crossing the road during my lunch hour when I got a glimpse of my reflection in the window of Nuts about Walnuts. Needless to say I was shocked by what I saw!" Mr. Dwight said. "Basically I saw an obese guy with glasses, ginger hair, a pony-tail and a beard clad in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts. All I needed was a greasy burrito clutched in my hand and I would have been the biggest walking stereotype of all time! Fortunately I'd just finished eating my burrito two minutes prior."

Adam Dwight: Possibly a citizen of an alernate reality

This sudden revelation has shaken Mr. Dwight's entire sense of self.

"I've never really thought of myself as a nerd before," he said. "I mean, sure, I work part-time in a comic book store, I cried when Chewbacca was killed in that Star Wars EU novel, I can speak Borg, I play Everquest II 15 hours a day and I have never had a girlfriend. But I didn't think that all those thing were somehow connected. Besides, I'm not just into comic books and science fiction. I mean, I like music too...for example I really love Led Zeppelin. You wouldn't believe how many references to J.R.R. Tolkien there are in Battle of Evermore!"

"But this," he continued, "has really changed the way I look at myself. I'm not just a nerd, I'm a media stereotype. Basically I'm the Uncle Tom of the Wizard Magazine reading world."

However Mr. Dwight is convinced that this revelation has deeper ramifications.

"Call me crazy but I find this whole situation a little bit suspicious," Dwight said. "I mean, how do I know I'm not just a "Comic Book Guy" type character in some TV show but have never realized it before? Maybe while I was asleep or something, I slipped into an alternate reality where fictional characters are able to lead normal lives. Or maybe I never existed and I'm just the figment of some writer's imagination. This situation raises a lot of important philosophical questions."

Adam Dwight's mother rolls her eyes when asked about her son's new found existentialism. "I can assure you that my son Adam is real. I can still remember the pain of squeezing that fat lump out my cooch," Mrs. Dwight said. "Though I suppose this latest attempt to escape reality into a fantasy world is a marginal improvement over that time he refused to take those damn Spock ears off and made everyone call him Elgar Borg-Killer VII for three years."

"For someone who has apparently slipped into an alternate reality, he is suspiciously still living in my basement," she added.

Gays Don't Belong in Comics says Angry Consumer

A light hearted trip to the local comic book store turned sour for Jim Healy of Skunkspray, Illinois when it was discovered that his purchase, a Young Avengers trade paperback was pushing a "liberal, homosexual agenda".

"I was just sitting at home, minding my own business, flicking through my recent purchases when I was shocked to discover that the Young Avengers had all sorts of horribly innapropriate sexual content," Healy said. "Basically two male characters Wiccan and Hulking share a chaste kiss and refer to each other as partners. It was shocking and revolting!"

"Comics should be for kids," says Jim Healy, pictured with his extensive toy collection.

"Now, I don't have a problem with homosexuality," Healy continued. "Whatever these gays do is fine with me. As long as they do it behind close doors. In another country. Preferably a country I've never heard of. But I don't want it going on in the comic books that I read for entertainment."

But it was the inclusion of such content in what has traditionally been a family friendly company that upset Mr. Healy the most.

"Everyone knows that superhero comic books are meant to be for kids," he said, relaxing in his study, lined wall to wall with figurines and busts of various Marvel characters including a large statue of Ultimate Hulk tearing Ultimate Wolverine in half. "And I don't think they should be expose to this sort of filth. Won't somebody think of the goddamn children?"

Mr. Healy admits that he doesn't have any children himself but can still imagine the sort of questions such a comic book would force a parent to answer.

"How would you have liked it if when you were eight years old your parents had had to tell you that some men enjoy shoving their wee-holes up each others assholes and whipping each other while wearing leather chaps and rubber gags?" he said.

When he registered his complaints on the Marvel based internet message board True Believers, Healy was shocked by the response he got from fellow comic book fans.

"Basically, they were calling me a bigot, which is crazy! I mean, Queen is one of my favourite bands. Also when I watched Philadelphia I didn't vomit once, even when Antonio Banderas flaunted his perverted alternate lifestyle by being sad when Tom Hanks died. So don't go labeling me a homophobe," Healy said.