Message Board Poster Quits DC Comics Forever

Disgusted by a recent plot development in a comic book, a message board poster has decided to inform DC comics of his decision to stop buying their product forever via a message board post.

Posted at 11.30 last night by "Batdude378" under a new thread titled "DC has disappointed me for the last time" the post began, "Dear Dan Didio, I am writing to inform you that the sheer and utter contempt you show to all your fans has caused me to completely drop all of your books for all of eternity!"

"I've felt this way for some time," the message continued, "ever since the end of Infinite Crisis sucked worse than Greedo shooting first in SW:ANH SE. But your recent decision to kill off Terra, the best comic book character ever, has pushed me over the edge. I've decided to not ever buy any of your comic books ever again because it is clear by this spit in the face to us Terra fans that you despise anyone who has ever read any of your comics ever."

"Goodbye forever," the message ended. "You just lost a customer with your spiteful hateful arrogance."

Batdude378: quite angry

Batdude378, or Ryan O'Neal as he is more commonly known defended his actions this morning.

"I know DC owns the character and everything but I own nearly every comic Terra has appeared in," Mr. O'Neal said. "Considering my emotional investment in the character, DC totally owes it to me to keep producing her adventures on a regular basis. Preferably in stories similar to the Terra fan-fiction I've been posting on my Terra website for the last five years," he added.

"Clearly Dan Didio is mad with power and purposely killed Terra off to spite us Terra fans," O'Neal concluded. "I just hope this will teach DC a lesson. Maybe in the future they'll start treating us fans with a bit of respect by writing exactly what we want them to write."

This message has sent DC's editorial staff into a state of shock.

"We knew that not everything we printed was an instant classic," said DC editor Toby Keith. "But we never realized that killing off a z-grade character from a bunch of failed comics in the early nineties could cause some random irrationally angry guy on the Internet to stop buying all of our products!"

"We already have Geoff Johns working on Terra's return and maybe even an ongoing. We didn't think there was much interest in the character but if not giving her her own comic will cost us a single customer then we have no other choice."

DC executive editor Dan Didio provided further details of DC's response to this nighmarish situation.

"We're currently heavily in damage control mode," said Dan Didio slumped across his office desk, looking haggard and tired. "Right now we have three guys pouring over Batguy378's other message board posts. A few minutes ago they found a couple of posts about how he didn't like Superman and Lois Lane's marriage so we're seeing what we can do about that."

"What spooked me the most though," said Didio, rubbing his eyes wearily, "was his reference to Infinite Crisis. I mean, that thing came out like over a year ago...I didn't know it was still influencing people's buying habits. We've just decided to re-release it in a new trade. And we've hired Grant Morrison to ensure that the new ending will be subjectively superior to that scene in Star Wars where Greedo shoots first."

But it looks like the nighmare is set to continue. "The guy said he was going to stop buying DC comics for all eternity so I don't know what else we can do to convince him to come back. This message board post will forever change the way DC does business," Dan Didio said with a heavy sigh.

Siegel Heirs sell Superboy rights to Marvel Comics

The First Official Image of Marvel's Revamped Superboy

The heirs of Jerry Siegel shocked the comic book industry this week with the revelation that they were planning on selling the rights to DC comic book character Superboy to Marvel Comics.

Over the last fifty years, the issue of the ownership of iconic comic book character Superman has turned into a bloody court battle that culminated in the court awarding the heirs of Superman creator Jerry Siegel the rights to Superman spin-off Superboy.

And now the ongoing saga has a brand new chapter: Joe Quesada revealed this week that he was in the final stages of a deal with the Heirs of Siegel that would allow Marvel Comics to publish the adventures of Superboy for the next fifty years.

“We are very excited about this joint venture with the Heirs of Siegel,” Quesada said in Monday’s company press release. “We look forward to providing a respectable, high quality comic book platform for this character. Also this is totally our biggest burn to DC since X3 p@wned Superman Returns at the box office!”

Traditionally, the Superboy comic books followed the adventures of Superman when he was just a small town teenager, learning the ropes of being a superhero. But with the character’s relocation to the Marvel Universe, a few changes have had to be made to fit with the company’s house style.

“The first thing we decided to change was the character’s origin,” said Quesada. “I mean his original origin, rocketed from a dying planet and all that, was alright…for DC. But here at Marvel we do things a little bit differently. When Superboy makes his return to the world of comics, he’ll be a mutant whose powers are kick started after being bitten by a gamma radiated scorpion.”

Also gone is the bucolic, farming community that Superboy originally called home. “Superboy will be moving to Manhattan because all of our comic books take place in New York,” Joe Quesada explained. “Except Runaways and Alpha Flight but they never sell well anyway so who cares.”

But the changes don’t end there. “The original Superboy was pretty happy and well adjusted so we’ll naturally be laying on a bunch of angst and crippling anxiety once he joins Marvel U. For example, in his first issue he’ll discover that his making physical contact with anyone will give them cancer. This of course will also stop him from ever revealing his feelings to love interest Sally Sullivan who is also loved by his best friend Peppy McGuire.

“We also plan on making Superboy a little more topical,” Joe Quesada continued. “Shortly after his reintroduction it will be established that the white “Live 8 make poverty history” bracelet Superboy was wearing at the time he got his powers can never be removed otherwise he will die. We’re looking to get Judd Winick to write that one."

Joe Quesada hopes that this is only the start of a larger scheme to buy out DC’s more popular superhero properties. “We’re currently in talks with the Heirs of Bob Kane to see if they can get us Robin the Boy Wonder. We already have a new origin involving the Vietnam War and a gamma radiated sledgehammer all worked out.”

Judd Winick tackles important issue of Feline AIDS

In a controversial move this week, DC comics revealed that Power Girl’s cat would contract feline AIDS in a very special issue of JSA Classified penned by Judd Winick.

Power Girl’s cat was originally a popular supporting cast member of the early nineties Justice League Europe series, his catnip fueled shenanigans proving to be a series highlight for many. However, after the end of Justice League Europe, Power Girl’s cat spent several years in comic book limbo, barely surviving on the very occasional guest appearance in other titles.

But it looked like there would be a happy ending for Power Girl’s cat after all, the beloved supporting character finally finding a permanent home in the successful JSA franchise. Unfortunately, it looks like his personal turmoil is set to continue: in this week’s Judd Winick written issue of JSA Classified Power Girl’s cat shares a water bowl with a FIV infected tabby and tragically contracts the disease himself.

Power Girl's Cat: Venereally Diseased

“I saw it as a natural progression,” Judd Winick stated two days after the release of the controversial issue. “I mean, if you go back and read those issues of JLE the cat was always coughing and looking sick and stuff. And if there’s anything thirty-seven years of watching movies has taught me, anytime someone coughs or looks sick they inevitably find out they have cancer or syphilis or AIDS.”

Winick added that readers should not expect every issue of JSA Classified to deal with Power Girl's Cat's FIV status. "It's a part of who he is, but it's not the total sum of his life," Winick said. "We deal with it through the conclusion of this story arc. But in the next six issues I don't think it even comes up. It's mostly about him being a super heroine’s cat…taking a dump in a plastic tray, scratching up furniture, licking his asshole. You know, living his life.”

Judd Winick’s decision to work a social message into the ongoing saga of Power Girl’s cat was well received by DC’s editorial staff.

“I was hoping someone would do a feline AIDS storyline somewhere in the DC universe,” said DC’s Senior Vice President Dan Didio. “I think it is very relevant. In fact we were looking at AIDSing up Tigorr from the Omega Men when Judd pitched his idea to us.”

However, the idea has been less well received by fans of DC’s line of comics.

“This is just another example of Judd Winick imposing his social agenda on everything,” one irate reader posted on the DC Comics Message Board under the name Deathstroke_Rawks69. “Next thing you know we’ll be reading an issue of Action Comics where Superman endorses the brutal senseless murder of fetuses. They have souls people! They have souls.”

"Yet more nails in the coffin that is the Giffen Justice League," posted another disgusted reader. “I mean first they turn Maxwell Lord evil, then shoot Blue Beatle in the head and now Power Girl’s cat. Clearly, DC is just using Power Girl’s Cat as a means in which to express their sociopathic hatred for all things Keith Giffen. I bet they wish he has feline AIDS.”

But Judd Winick is unperturbed by this reaction; in fact he laughs it off.

“Look, the thing is, comics are mostly read by mature adults and they should reflect that,” Judd Winick said. “And if that means working the stories around adult, real word themes then so be it.”

When asked what readers can expect next in his six issue run on JSA Classified Judd Winick hinted that the main supervillain of the story arc would be a giant talking gorilla and that he was currently working on an entire issue about Power Girl’s breasts.

Comic Store Employee worried that he has become a 'media stereotype'

Long-time Metropolis Comix employee, Adam Dwight became self-consciously aware last Thursday of how much he conforms to the media stereotype of a 'massive geek'.

The 36 year old Plebville, Wyoming resident began to question several of his life choices when he caught sight of himself in a shop window.

"I was crossing the road during my lunch hour when I got a glimpse of my reflection in the window of Nuts about Walnuts. Needless to say I was shocked by what I saw!" Mr. Dwight said. "Basically I saw an obese guy with glasses, ginger hair, a pony-tail and a beard clad in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts. All I needed was a greasy burrito clutched in my hand and I would have been the biggest walking stereotype of all time! Fortunately I'd just finished eating my burrito two minutes prior."

Adam Dwight: Possibly a citizen of an alernate reality

This sudden revelation has shaken Mr. Dwight's entire sense of self.

"I've never really thought of myself as a nerd before," he said. "I mean, sure, I work part-time in a comic book store, I cried when Chewbacca was killed in that Star Wars EU novel, I can speak Borg, I play Everquest II 15 hours a day and I have never had a girlfriend. But I didn't think that all those thing were somehow connected. Besides, I'm not just into comic books and science fiction. I mean, I like music too...for example I really love Led Zeppelin. You wouldn't believe how many references to J.R.R. Tolkien there are in Battle of Evermore!"

"But this," he continued, "has really changed the way I look at myself. I'm not just a nerd, I'm a media stereotype. Basically I'm the Uncle Tom of the Wizard Magazine reading world."

However Mr. Dwight is convinced that this revelation has deeper ramifications.

"Call me crazy but I find this whole situation a little bit suspicious," Dwight said. "I mean, how do I know I'm not just a "Comic Book Guy" type character in some TV show but have never realized it before? Maybe while I was asleep or something, I slipped into an alternate reality where fictional characters are able to lead normal lives. Or maybe I never existed and I'm just the figment of some writer's imagination. This situation raises a lot of important philosophical questions."

Adam Dwight's mother rolls her eyes when asked about her son's new found existentialism. "I can assure you that my son Adam is real. I can still remember the pain of squeezing that fat lump out my cooch," Mrs. Dwight said. "Though I suppose this latest attempt to escape reality into a fantasy world is a marginal improvement over that time he refused to take those damn Spock ears off and made everyone call him Elgar Borg-Killer VII for three years."

"For someone who has apparently slipped into an alternate reality, he is suspiciously still living in my basement," she added.

Gays Don't Belong in Comics says Angry Consumer

A light hearted trip to the local comic book store turned sour for Jim Healy of Skunkspray, Illinois when it was discovered that his purchase, a Young Avengers trade paperback was pushing a "liberal, homosexual agenda".

"I was just sitting at home, minding my own business, flicking through my recent purchases when I was shocked to discover that the Young Avengers had all sorts of horribly innapropriate sexual content," Healy said. "Basically two male characters Wiccan and Hulking share a chaste kiss and refer to each other as partners. It was shocking and revolting!"

"Comics should be for kids," says Jim Healy, pictured with his extensive toy collection.

"Now, I don't have a problem with homosexuality," Healy continued. "Whatever these gays do is fine with me. As long as they do it behind close doors. In another country. Preferably a country I've never heard of. But I don't want it going on in the comic books that I read for entertainment."

But it was the inclusion of such content in what has traditionally been a family friendly company that upset Mr. Healy the most.

"Everyone knows that superhero comic books are meant to be for kids," he said, relaxing in his study, lined wall to wall with figurines and busts of various Marvel characters including a large statue of Ultimate Hulk tearing Ultimate Wolverine in half. "And I don't think they should be expose to this sort of filth. Won't somebody think of the goddamn children?"

Mr. Healy admits that he doesn't have any children himself but can still imagine the sort of questions such a comic book would force a parent to answer.

"How would you have liked it if when you were eight years old your parents had had to tell you that some men enjoy shoving their wee-holes up each others assholes and whipping each other while wearing leather chaps and rubber gags?" he said.

When he registered his complaints on the Marvel based internet message board True Believers, Healy was shocked by the response he got from fellow comic book fans.

"Basically, they were calling me a bigot, which is crazy! I mean, Queen is one of my favourite bands. Also when I watched Philadelphia I didn't vomit once, even when Antonio Banderas flaunted his perverted alternate lifestyle by being sad when Tom Hanks died. So don't go labeling me a homophobe," Healy said.