Marvel Fanboy Starts “War” on IMDB

A Marvel Fanboy's vendetta against the film "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" has spilled into the IMDB message boards in what has been described by some parties as "World War III".

According to onlooker “garden-state_chick” the event, comparable to two horrendous global wars with a combined death toll of 100 million, began when a user called “Magneto_2000” started a thread called “Fantastic Four 2 sucks!”

“I see these sort of negative losers on IMDB all the time and I’m like, what sort of obnoxious asshole would express a negative opinion on what is clearly an excellent movie? It’s like, get a life, you know,” Garden-State_Chick says, as she replies to an IMDB thread called “101 reasons why I love Zach Braff’s dimples”.

“But this Fantastic Four thing was something else. No matter how much I pointed out how great the special effects were or how good the acting was or how hot Chris Evans looked in a spandex jumpsuit, this guy just wouldn’t back down. I felt like I was in Iraq or something.”

Ground Zero: The IMDB page for Fantastic Four 2

By all reports, the situation continued to escalate. In a counter-strike that brought back memories of the tragic Black September massacre of 1972, Magneto_2000 took his vendetta onto the “goofs” section of the IMDB page.

Witnessed by IMDB veteran “boba_fett666”, Magento_2000’s tactics were “underhanded” and “morally corrupt”.

“He started posting all these silly goofs, sometimes up to ten a day. It was all stupid stuff like “in the original comic book Galactus wasn’t a giant space cloud” and “Invisible Girl isn’t supposed to be a Latin American”…just crap that clearly didn’t belong in the goofs section. And he kept re-posting them faster than we could delete them,” Boba_fett666 states, his hands shaking as his relives the anxiety of living through a period of nightmarish upheaval. “For a few days there, it was like 9/11 all over again.”

However, in a move not dissimilar to the 1945 nuclear bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, IMDB administrators intervened by deleting all of Magneto_2000’s messages and blocking his IMDB user account.

But IMDB users remain fearful that this incident could merely be an “Afghanistan” to a bigger Iraq-esque main event.

“How do we know he won’t be back with a new user name or something and start everything all over again?” asks civilian bystander “robin_williams_fan1”.

“I’ve half a mind to get myself checked out for post-traumatic stress disorder,” he jokes.

Frank Miller to Direct John F. Kennedy BioPic

Acclaimed comic book veteran Frank Miller has worked on some of the biggest characters in comics like Batman, Daredevil and Superman. Now it looks like Miller will be working on one of the biggest characters in history: after several industry rumours and one leaked draft of a script, Warner Brothers have now officially greenlit Frank Miller’s John F. Kennedy project.

Tentatively titled “Lee Harvey’s Big Hit”, Frank Miller is enthusiastic about this opportunity to tackle one of the biggest legends of the 20^th century.

“I’ve always been intrigued by the story of Jack Kennedy,” Miller says. “In fact, if you look through some of my old works I’ve consciously homaged it several times. For example, that bit in Sin City where Marv cuts off the limbs of a serial killer then feeds him to a pack of ravenous dogs was inspired by footage of Jack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey Oswald.”

This announcement is good news for Miller's fans, but it is safe to say that people who are only familiar with the John F. Kennedy legend through such films as Oliver Stone’s JFK will probably be startled by the classic tale as seen through Frank Miller’s unique storytelling sensibilities.

With one scene from the leaked script featuring Bobby Kennedy shouting “For the USA!” as he eviscerates a horde of Al Qaeda terrorists with a katana blade, this is clearly not your father’s version of the JFK legend.

“Yeah I’ve taken a few creative liberties,” Miller admits. “But as Napoleon once said, “History is written by the winners”. Well, all those other versions of the JFK story were made by losers.”

However, Frank Miller argues that many of the changes he has made serve the purpose of strengthening the narrative.

“I’ve always felt that the original story really lacked a strong female character,” Miller explains. “So I’ve decided to strengthen the role of Jacqueline Kennedy. In other versions of the story, she was just a vapid socialite so I’ve re-imagined her as a Taiwanese ninja assassin prostitute. Nothing establishes a strong, indepent, female character like lingerie worn in public and kick-ass samurai blades!”

A Production Sketch of Jackie O

The film will also address the other woman in JFK's life, his alleged mistress Marilyn Monroe.

“Yeah, Marilyn's in it. She’ll be a prostitute too. As will Lyndon Johnson.”

The changes don’t end there. Allegedly, Lee Harvey Oswald will be undergo a heavy revision, the character wearing women's lingerie and large gold hoop earings in early production sketches for the film. Frank Miller confirms this and hints that Lee Harvey might not even be American.

“Yeah, Lee Harvey will be a Russian. The thing is I see the assassination of the President as an attack on the American way of life. And nothing suggests a threat to good old fashioned American values like a big ol’ girly foreigner in a dress,” he explains.

Miller has also taken this opportunity to add new elements to the JFK legend.

“Originally, JFK never really had any last words before his brains got splattered all over the car and stuff. So I wrote him some. As of the current script, the last thing Jack Kennedy says before he dies is ‘Now who’s laughing. The sweat and the grime and prostitute’s tears linger in the dust as I taste the acrid air of Dallas, Texas. I see the crowds cheer. They cheer. They cheer. But they’re all faceless corpses applauding a bloated emperor with no clothes. A disease tearing at the flesh of the innocent. Now who’s laughing. Now who’s laughing.’ Then Lee Harvey shoots him with a Korean assassin ninja shotgun or something.”

Lee Harvey’s Big Hit will hit cinemas November, 2008.

"I'm gay!" declares Marvel's Dr. Strange

In a press release issued today, Marvel Entertainment publicly revealed that their popular comic book character Dr. Steven Strange is a homosexual. This move comes after months of media speculation into the private life of the silver age Steve Ditko and Stan Lee creation.

“There’s always been a certain unspoken something about Steven,” Marvel editor in Chief Joe Quesada said, from his New York office. “Let’s just say, since his conception the doctor has always been a neat, thin, flamboyantly dressed man in his mid thirties who lives in a nice studio apartment in Greenwich Village that he shares with two male roommates and heavily furnishes in antiques. And he has a mustache.”

Aspects of Dr. Strange’s character may have remained unspoken over the last couple of decades but it appears that they are about to get a voice.

Dr Strange: gay

“When Dr. Strange was created in the sixties there were lots of things you just couldn’t do,” Joe explained. “Even today, some subjects are still taboo. I mean, we’ve been trying for years to finally out Captain America as a big old communist.”

“Fortunately, thanks to the ground work laid out by such media figures as George Micheal, Elton John and Balki from Perfect Strangers we are finally able to address Steven’s sexuality. I am quite proud to say that Dr. Steven Strange is a very content gay man, living his life to the fullest and grateful for all the love and support from his friends and family.

“Except for Clea who is quite bitter about being used as a beard for so many years,” he added.

While Dr. Strange has been informally “outed” by the Marvel editorial staff, the character will officially come out of the closet in an upcoming mini.

“Out greatest priority right now is to ensure that we treat Dr. Strange’s coming out with the utmost respect, dignity and good taste,” Joes Quesada said. “So in July we’ll be releasing “Dr Strange goes to town in brown” a six issue mini-series written by Brian Micheal Bendis. And besides Dr. Strange's coming to terms with his sexuality, the series will feature high octane magical action, the return of a deadly foe and more rent boys than you can shake a stick at! Let’s just say there’s a reason why Dr. Strange has been performing magic for so many years without a magic wand!

“And you’ll never guess who he’ll be romantically linked with in the coming months!” Joe Quesada added cryptically. “Oh alright…it’s Northstar.”

Cat Hater finds Catwoman "unsexy"

Slinking around countless DC comic books in innumerable sexy skintight costumes and played on screen by such stars as Haley Berry, Michelle Pfeiffer, Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, Batman antagonist Catwoman can be regarded as one of comics’ true sex symbols.

But not according to self-confessed cat hater Darren Gleeson, who stunned fans of aesthetically appealing comic book women recently by admitting that he didn’t find Catwoman sexy at all.

“Let’s quickly get this out of the way: cats aren’t sexy,” said the 37 year old chemist from his home in Crotchrot, Ohio. “When I think of cats I think of hairballs, kitty litter and my crazy aunt Clarabelle’s house that smells like piss.

“What I’m trying to say is I would rather have sex with any animal, an aardvark or a squirrel for example, than a goddamn cat. If I was into that sort of thing that is, which I’m not,” he stated emphatically.

“I just don’t understand how any red blooded male can find a comic book super villainess with a cat motif sexy,” he continued. “I know everyone has a right to an opinion but it is an objective fact that there’s nothing sexy about having tuna breath and destroying the fragile eco-balance by feasting on native fauna.”

Pictured: Catwoman. Inset: A Cat.

For Darren, who admits that he would rather date a hobo than marry a woman with a pet cat, it was the movie Batman Returns that confirmed his aversion to the character.

“I didn’t think it was possible to make Michelle Pfeiffer unsexy but somehow they did it. I mean, in that movie she was always going around licking herself and stuff. Who the hell finds a girl covered in saliva sexy? Perverts, that’s who.”

“Even worse was that scene where she pulls a bird out of its cage then eats it…what the hell was that all about? Last time I checked, there were no ‘Chicks who shove live birds down their gullets’ movies on pay-per-view.”

However, Darren says he felt compelled to speak up about this widespread public misconception after reading Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One trade paperback.

“I was flicking through the second chapter and there’s this picture of Selina lying in bed surrounded by maybe twenty cats, which is disgusting. Someone sharing a small apartment with twenty mangy, tuna eating, fur licking cats is about the least sexy thing I can think of. Okay, maybe that fat ginger idiot from Aint it Cool News but that’s about it.”

“Oh, and in that comic she is apparently a prostitute which isn’t that hot, I guess,” he added as an afterthought.

Ultimately, Darren hopes DC will rectify this situation.

“You know what I do find sexy?” he asks. “A candlelit dinner on Valentines Day with my wife…why doesn’t DC work a super villainess concept around that?"

Message Board Poster Quits DC Comics Forever

Disgusted by a recent plot development in a comic book, a message board poster has decided to inform DC comics of his decision to stop buying their product forever via a message board post.

Posted at 11.30 last night by "Batdude378" under a new thread titled "DC has disappointed me for the last time" the post began, "Dear Dan Didio, I am writing to inform you that the sheer and utter contempt you show to all your fans has caused me to completely drop all of your books for all of eternity!"

"I've felt this way for some time," the message continued, "ever since the end of Infinite Crisis sucked worse than Greedo shooting first in SW:ANH SE. But your recent decision to kill off Terra, the best comic book character ever, has pushed me over the edge. I've decided to not ever buy any of your comic books ever again because it is clear by this spit in the face to us Terra fans that you despise anyone who has ever read any of your comics ever."

"Goodbye forever," the message ended. "You just lost a customer with your spiteful hateful arrogance."

Batdude378: quite angry

Batdude378, or Ryan O'Neal as he is more commonly known defended his actions this morning.

"I know DC owns the character and everything but I own nearly every comic Terra has appeared in," Mr. O'Neal said. "Considering my emotional investment in the character, DC totally owes it to me to keep producing her adventures on a regular basis. Preferably in stories similar to the Terra fan-fiction I've been posting on my Terra website for the last five years," he added.

"Clearly Dan Didio is mad with power and purposely killed Terra off to spite us Terra fans," O'Neal concluded. "I just hope this will teach DC a lesson. Maybe in the future they'll start treating us fans with a bit of respect by writing exactly what we want them to write."

This message has sent DC's editorial staff into a state of shock.

"We knew that not everything we printed was an instant classic," said DC editor Toby Keith. "But we never realized that killing off a z-grade character from a bunch of failed comics in the early nineties could cause some random irrationally angry guy on the Internet to stop buying all of our products!"

"We already have Geoff Johns working on Terra's return and maybe even an ongoing. We didn't think there was much interest in the character but if not giving her her own comic will cost us a single customer then we have no other choice."

DC executive editor Dan Didio provided further details of DC's response to this nighmarish situation.

"We're currently heavily in damage control mode," said Dan Didio slumped across his office desk, looking haggard and tired. "Right now we have three guys pouring over Batguy378's other message board posts. A few minutes ago they found a couple of posts about how he didn't like Superman and Lois Lane's marriage so we're seeing what we can do about that."

"What spooked me the most though," said Didio, rubbing his eyes wearily, "was his reference to Infinite Crisis. I mean, that thing came out like over a year ago...I didn't know it was still influencing people's buying habits. We've just decided to re-release it in a new trade. And we've hired Grant Morrison to ensure that the new ending will be subjectively superior to that scene in Star Wars where Greedo shoots first."

But it looks like the nighmare is set to continue. "The guy said he was going to stop buying DC comics for all eternity so I don't know what else we can do to convince him to come back. This message board post will forever change the way DC does business," Dan Didio said with a heavy sigh.

Siegel Heirs sell Superboy rights to Marvel Comics

The First Official Image of Marvel's Revamped Superboy

The heirs of Jerry Siegel shocked the comic book industry this week with the revelation that they were planning on selling the rights to DC comic book character Superboy to Marvel Comics.

Over the last fifty years, the issue of the ownership of iconic comic book character Superman has turned into a bloody court battle that culminated in the court awarding the heirs of Superman creator Jerry Siegel the rights to Superman spin-off Superboy.

And now the ongoing saga has a brand new chapter: Joe Quesada revealed this week that he was in the final stages of a deal with the Heirs of Siegel that would allow Marvel Comics to publish the adventures of Superboy for the next fifty years.

“We are very excited about this joint venture with the Heirs of Siegel,” Quesada said in Monday’s company press release. “We look forward to providing a respectable, high quality comic book platform for this character. Also this is totally our biggest burn to DC since X3 p@wned Superman Returns at the box office!”

Traditionally, the Superboy comic books followed the adventures of Superman when he was just a small town teenager, learning the ropes of being a superhero. But with the character’s relocation to the Marvel Universe, a few changes have had to be made to fit with the company’s house style.

“The first thing we decided to change was the character’s origin,” said Quesada. “I mean his original origin, rocketed from a dying planet and all that, was alright…for DC. But here at Marvel we do things a little bit differently. When Superboy makes his return to the world of comics, he’ll be a mutant whose powers are kick started after being bitten by a gamma radiated scorpion.”

Also gone is the bucolic, farming community that Superboy originally called home. “Superboy will be moving to Manhattan because all of our comic books take place in New York,” Joe Quesada explained. “Except Runaways and Alpha Flight but they never sell well anyway so who cares.”

But the changes don’t end there. “The original Superboy was pretty happy and well adjusted so we’ll naturally be laying on a bunch of angst and crippling anxiety once he joins Marvel U. For example, in his first issue he’ll discover that his making physical contact with anyone will give them cancer. This of course will also stop him from ever revealing his feelings to love interest Sally Sullivan who is also loved by his best friend Peppy McGuire.

“We also plan on making Superboy a little more topical,” Joe Quesada continued. “Shortly after his reintroduction it will be established that the white “Live 8 make poverty history” bracelet Superboy was wearing at the time he got his powers can never be removed otherwise he will die. We’re looking to get Judd Winick to write that one."

Joe Quesada hopes that this is only the start of a larger scheme to buy out DC’s more popular superhero properties. “We’re currently in talks with the Heirs of Bob Kane to see if they can get us Robin the Boy Wonder. We already have a new origin involving the Vietnam War and a gamma radiated sledgehammer all worked out.”

Judd Winick tackles important issue of Feline AIDS

In a controversial move this week, DC comics revealed that Power Girl’s cat would contract feline AIDS in a very special issue of JSA Classified penned by Judd Winick.

Power Girl’s cat was originally a popular supporting cast member of the early nineties Justice League Europe series, his catnip fueled shenanigans proving to be a series highlight for many. However, after the end of Justice League Europe, Power Girl’s cat spent several years in comic book limbo, barely surviving on the very occasional guest appearance in other titles.

But it looked like there would be a happy ending for Power Girl’s cat after all, the beloved supporting character finally finding a permanent home in the successful JSA franchise. Unfortunately, it looks like his personal turmoil is set to continue: in this week’s Judd Winick written issue of JSA Classified Power Girl’s cat shares a water bowl with a FIV infected tabby and tragically contracts the disease himself.

Power Girl's Cat: Venereally Diseased

“I saw it as a natural progression,” Judd Winick stated two days after the release of the controversial issue. “I mean, if you go back and read those issues of JLE the cat was always coughing and looking sick and stuff. And if there’s anything thirty-seven years of watching movies has taught me, anytime someone coughs or looks sick they inevitably find out they have cancer or syphilis or AIDS.”

Winick added that readers should not expect every issue of JSA Classified to deal with Power Girl's Cat's FIV status. "It's a part of who he is, but it's not the total sum of his life," Winick said. "We deal with it through the conclusion of this story arc. But in the next six issues I don't think it even comes up. It's mostly about him being a super heroine’s cat…taking a dump in a plastic tray, scratching up furniture, licking his asshole. You know, living his life.”

Judd Winick’s decision to work a social message into the ongoing saga of Power Girl’s cat was well received by DC’s editorial staff.

“I was hoping someone would do a feline AIDS storyline somewhere in the DC universe,” said DC’s Senior Vice President Dan Didio. “I think it is very relevant. In fact we were looking at AIDSing up Tigorr from the Omega Men when Judd pitched his idea to us.”

However, the idea has been less well received by fans of DC’s line of comics.

“This is just another example of Judd Winick imposing his social agenda on everything,” one irate reader posted on the DC Comics Message Board under the name Deathstroke_Rawks69. “Next thing you know we’ll be reading an issue of Action Comics where Superman endorses the brutal senseless murder of fetuses. They have souls people! They have souls.”

"Yet more nails in the coffin that is the Giffen Justice League," posted another disgusted reader. “I mean first they turn Maxwell Lord evil, then shoot Blue Beatle in the head and now Power Girl’s cat. Clearly, DC is just using Power Girl’s Cat as a means in which to express their sociopathic hatred for all things Keith Giffen. I bet they wish he has feline AIDS.”

But Judd Winick is unperturbed by this reaction; in fact he laughs it off.

“Look, the thing is, comics are mostly read by mature adults and they should reflect that,” Judd Winick said. “And if that means working the stories around adult, real word themes then so be it.”

When asked what readers can expect next in his six issue run on JSA Classified Judd Winick hinted that the main supervillain of the story arc would be a giant talking gorilla and that he was currently working on an entire issue about Power Girl’s breasts.