Thursday, November 29, 2007

Peter Roget demands DC retire the word Crisis

The creator of the world’s first thesaurus Peter Roget has made his first public appearance in over a century to demand that DC retire the word “crisis”.

Although he died in 1869, the 19th century natural theologian recently emerged from his grave in West Malvern, Worcestershire after an inter-dimensional being pounded on the walls of reality.

Surprisingly, since his return Roget has failed to comment on the huge advancements in the fields of science and technology since his death or the widespread social change in his homeland of England.

Instead, Roget chose to spend his first press conference in 167 years criticizing DC comics, a small-scale publisher of juvenile literature called “comic books”, for their rampant overuse of the word “crisis”.

“I haven’t seen the overuse of a single word this bad since the 15th century when people couldn’t get over the word ‘witch’,” Roget stated. “But at least those people had out-of-control religious zealotism to justify their lack of grammatical imagination. All DC do is print crap about superheroes.”

DC products with the word ‘Crisis’ in their title includes “Crisis on Multiple Earths”, “Crisis on Infinite Earths”, “Identity Crisis”, “Countdown to Infinite Crisis”, “Infinite Crisis”, “Final Crisis” and next summer’s “Indefinite Crisis of Infinite Crisis…Crisis”.

“At this point I’m just embarrassed for them. Seriously, when I first heard about ‘Infinite Crisis’ I rolled my eyes so hard they literally fell out of my decaying sockets,” Roget said.

“I strongly recommend that they pick up a copy of ‘Roget’s Thesaurus’ immediately. I still earn money off that thing don’t I?”

But Roget believes that the situation is salvageable, offering a number of new suggestions for DC’s next summer crossover in which worlds will probably die and most likely nothing will ever be the same again.

“Battle, big trouble, catastrophe, climacteric, climax, confrontation, contest, contingency, critical juncture, crunch, crux, culmination, deadlock, dilemma, dire straits, disaster, dispute, emergency, encounter, entanglement, exigency, extremity, fight, imbroglio, impasse, incident, juncture, mess, pickle, pinch, pivotal point, plight, predicament, pressure, problem, puzzle, quandary, showdown, situation, state, stew, strait, strife, trauma, trial, trouble and turning point: all of these actually mean almost the same thing as crisis,” Roget said. ”I’m quite partial to ‘Imbroglio on Infinite Earths’ myself.”

However, DC’s misuse of the word “crisis” wasn’t Roget’s only issue with the publishing company.

“I hate to go all grammar nazi on you people,” Roget said, illustrating his increasingly familiarity with 21st century slang, “but the word ‘bat’ should only be used as a noun or a verb. It is not an adjective. I repeat: not an adjective!”

While DC haven’t directly responded to Roget’s comments, editor in chief Dan Didio expressed surprise that Roget hadn’t become a troubled anti-hero in the wake of his poorly explained, physics defying resurrection.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Reliance on old Jimmy Olsen Comics threatens Comic Blogosphere

The “Comic Blogosphere” is struggling to adjust after a blogger discovered the ‘inconvenient truth’ that nearly every Jimmy Olsen comic ever published has been effectively spoofed by someone with a Blogspot account.

A popular source of easy comedy, Comic Bloggers thought they had another few years left of relying on Jimmy Olsen’s crazy silver age hijinks. However, a recent study by blogger “Amazing Steve” has suggested that the supply of Olsen comics is swiftly drying up.

In his article “An Inconvenient Truth” posted last Monday on his Silver Age themed blog Amazing Steve’s World of Comix, he painted a bleak picture for the future of the Comic Blogosphere.

“If we maintain our heavy reliance on Jimmy Olsen themed content, Comic Blogging could become obsolete by the year 2012,” Amazing Steve posted. “In the short term, unless we act swiftly to curb excessive Jimmy Olsen postings we are going to have to start blogging about modern, contemporary comics. And has anyone read those things? They suck!”

Jimmy Olsen's wacky antics spell doom for comic bloggers

But Amazing Steve stresses that it isn’t too late to save the Comic Blogosphere. His proposal includes instigating a planned reduction of Olsen postings by 80% over the next eighteen months.

“This quota can be achieved if bloggers agree to start switching to alternate comedy sources like Golden Age Wonder Woman bondage covers and out of context panels of Green Lantern being misogynistic,” Steve claims. “Or how about comically bad anatomy in Rob Liefield comics? We’ll never run out of those.”

Many comic bloggers have embraced the bleak news and have begun to do their bit to forestall the impending catastrophe.

“I was going to do a hilarious post on an issue of Jimmy Olsen where he is forced into marriage with a gorilla by a feme-nazi alien whose affections he spurned,” said Gregory Dekraker of the blog The Phantom Zone. “But blogosphere conservation must come first.”

However, Amazing Steve has been labeled an alarmist by some members of the comic blogging community.

“There’s no valid, scientific proof that our supply of crazy Jimmy Olsen comics will ever run out,” posted Mack Grady on his blog The Quinjet. “This is all just a liberal conspiracy probably perpetrated by comic reading Zionists. Probably.”

Amazing Steve writes such as attitudes off as “right wing rhetoric”.

“We can’t afford to ignore this issue any longer. It’s not too late to save the Comic Blogosphere!” he says.

Monday, July 2, 2007

"Brad Meltzer" an Elaborate DC Hoax

DC has sent shock waves through the industry after revealing that their high profile writer “Brad Meltzer” is actually a sophisticated computer program.

Affectionately named after a trashy novelist Judd Winick happened to be reading at the time, the computer program was constructed after Dan Didio discovered that there was a formula to producing a successful comic book.

“Basically we put together a focus group and discovered that what readers want from their comics are superheroes standing around their headquarters referring to each other by their first names, endless confusing flashbacks to stories printed in the eighties and ham-fisted attempts to appear more adult by ramping up the sex and violence,” Dan Didio reveals. “When I saw the results I was like, we shouldn’t have to pay someone to write that crap.”

The Real Brad Meltzer

In the wake of this revelation, Dan Didio set about finding a cost effective way of producing these comics.

“Originally I was just going to pay a few Illegal immigrants to read some old eighties comics then re-write them with more references to rape and stuff,” Didio explains. “But then Greg Rucka reminded me that computers were officially the new illegal immigrants because I didn’t have to pay them fifty cents an hour.”

In the wake of a sellout run on JLA, Dan Didio acknowledges that the experiment has worked out better than he could have dreamed.

“At times I was a bit apprehensive…when I saw that its line up of the Justice League included Vixen, Speedy and goddamn Geo Force I wondered if we were pushing it a bit. I mean, who’s going to read that crap! One hundred thousand people a month apparently.”

But Dan Didio stresses that the computer program isn’t infallible.

“Just the other day, ‘Brad Meltzer’ spat out an issue of JLA that I could understand without the aid of Wikipedia,” Didio said. “I made it re-write it and it printed out a new script with 47% more references to some obscure 1980s issue of Batman and the Outsiders.”

While Dan Didio appreciates the success of the “Brad Meltzer” computer experiment, he is relieved that the cat is finally out of the bag.

“I was having a hard time keeping it all secret. For example, at a comic convention just a few weeks ago, some guy came up to me and told me that Brad Meltzer’s JLA was the best comic he’d ever read. I almost fucking lost it!” Dan Didio said, chuckling.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Marvel Fanboy Starts “War” on IMDB

A Marvel Fanboy's vendetta against the film "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" has spilled into the IMDB message boards in what has been described by some parties as "World War III".

According to onlooker “garden-state_chick” the event, comparable to two horrendous global wars with a combined death toll of 100 million, began when a user called “Magneto_2000” started a thread called “Fantastic Four 2 sucks!”

“I see these sort of negative losers on IMDB all the time and I’m like, what sort of obnoxious asshole would express a negative opinion on what is clearly an excellent movie? It’s like, get a life, you know,” Garden-State_Chick says, as she replies to an IMDB thread called “101 reasons why I love Zach Braff’s dimples”.

“But this Fantastic Four thing was something else. No matter how much I pointed out how great the special effects were or how good the acting was or how hot Chris Evans looked in a spandex jumpsuit, this guy just wouldn’t back down. I felt like I was in Iraq or something.”

Ground Zero: The IMDB page for Fantastic Four 2

By all reports, the situation continued to escalate. In a counter-strike that brought back memories of the tragic Black September massacre of 1972, Magneto_2000 took his vendetta onto the “goofs” section of the IMDB page.

Witnessed by IMDB veteran “boba_fett666”, Magento_2000’s tactics were “underhanded” and “morally corrupt”.

“He started posting all these silly goofs, sometimes up to ten a day. It was all stupid stuff like “in the original comic book Galactus wasn’t a giant space cloud” and “Invisible Girl isn’t supposed to be a Latin American”…just crap that clearly didn’t belong in the goofs section. And he kept re-posting them faster than we could delete them,” Boba_fett666 states, his hands shaking as his relives the anxiety of living through a period of nightmarish upheaval. “For a few days there, it was like 9/11 all over again.”

However, in a move not dissimilar to the 1945 nuclear bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, IMDB administrators intervened by deleting all of Magneto_2000’s messages and blocking his IMDB user account.

But IMDB users remain fearful that this incident could merely be an “Afghanistan” to a bigger Iraq-esque main event.

“How do we know he won’t be back with a new user name or something and start everything all over again?” asks civilian bystander “robin_williams_fan1”.

“I’ve half a mind to get myself checked out for post-traumatic stress disorder,” he jokes.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Frank Miller to Direct John F. Kennedy BioPic

Acclaimed comic book veteran Frank Miller has worked on some of the biggest characters in comics like Batman, Daredevil and Superman. Now it looks like Miller will be working on one of the biggest characters in history: after several industry rumours and one leaked draft of a script, Warner Brothers have now officially greenlit Frank Miller’s John F. Kennedy project.

Tentatively titled “Lee Harvey’s Big Hit”, Frank Miller is enthusiastic about this opportunity to tackle one of the biggest legends of the 20th century.

“I’ve always been intrigued by the story of Jack Kennedy,” Miller says. “In fact, if you look through some of my old works I’ve consciously homaged it several times. For example, that bit in Sin City where Marv cuts off the limbs of a serial killer then feeds him to a pack of ravenous dogs was inspired by footage of Jack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey Oswald.”

This announcement is good news for Miller's fans, but it is safe to say that people who are only familiar with the John F. Kennedy legend through such films as Oliver Stone’s JFK will probably be startled by the classic tale as seen through Frank Miller’s unique storytelling sensibilities.

With one scene from the leaked script featuring Bobby Kennedy shouting “For the USA!” as he eviscerates a horde of Al Qaeda terrorists with a katana blade, this is clearly not your father’s version of the JFK legend.

“Yeah I’ve taken a few creative liberties,” Miller admits. “But as Napoleon once said, “History is written by the winners”. Well, all those other versions of the JFK story were made by losers.”

However, Frank Miller argues that many of the changes he has made serve the purpose of strengthening the narrative.

“I’ve always felt that the original story really lacked a strong female character,” Miller explains. “So I’ve decided to strengthen the role of Jacqueline Kennedy. In other versions of the story, she was just a vapid socialite so I’ve re-imagined her as a Taiwanese ninja assassin prostitute. Nothing establishes a strong, indepent, female character like lingerie worn in public and kick-ass samurai blades!”

A Production Sketch of Jackie O

The film will also address the other woman in JFK's life, his alleged mistress Marilyn Monroe.

“Yeah, Marilyn's in it. She’ll be a prostitute too. As will Lyndon Johnson.”

The changes don’t end there. Allegedly, Lee Harvey Oswald will be undergo a heavy revision, the character wearing women's lingerie and large gold hoop earings in early production sketches for the film. Frank Miller confirms this and hints that Lee Harvey might not even be American.

“Yeah, Lee Harvey will be a Russian. The thing is I see the assassination of the President as an attack on the American way of life. And nothing suggests a threat to good old fashioned American values like a big ol’ girly foreigner in a dress,” he explains.

Miller has also taken this opportunity to add new elements to the JFK legend.

“Originally, JFK never really had any last words before his brains got splattered all over the car and stuff. So I wrote him some. As of the current script, the last thing Jack Kennedy says before he dies is ‘Now who’s laughing. The sweat and the grime and prostitute’s tears linger in the dust as I taste the acrid air of Dallas, Texas. I see the crowds cheer. They cheer. They cheer. But they’re all faceless corpses applauding a bloated emperor with no clothes. A disease tearing at the flesh of the innocent. Now who’s laughing. Now who’s laughing.’ Then Lee Harvey shoots him with a Korean assassin ninja shotgun or something.”

Lee Harvey’s Big Hit will hit cinemas November, 2008.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

"I'm gay!" declares Marvel's Dr. Strange

In a press release issued today, Marvel Entertainment publicly revealed that their popular comic book character Dr. Steven Strange is a homosexual. This move comes after months of media speculation into the private life of the silver age Steve Ditko and Stan Lee creation.

“There’s always been a certain unspoken something about Steven,” Marvel editor in Chief Joe Quesada said, from his New York office. “Let’s just say, since his conception the doctor has always been a neat, thin, flamboyantly dressed man in his mid thirties who lives in a nice studio apartment in Greenwich Village that he shares with two male roommates and heavily furnishes in antiques. And he has a mustache.”

Aspects of Dr. Strange’s character may have remained unspoken over the last couple of decades but it appears that they are about to get a voice.

Dr Strange: gay

“When Dr. Strange was created in the sixties there were lots of things you just couldn’t do,” Joe explained. “Even today, some subjects are still taboo. I mean, we’ve been trying for years to finally out Captain America as a big old communist.”

“Fortunately, thanks to the ground work laid out by such media figures as George Micheal, Elton John and Balki from Perfect Strangers we are finally able to address Steven’s sexuality. I am quite proud to say that Dr. Steven Strange is a very content gay man, living his life to the fullest and grateful for all the love and support from his friends and family.

“Except for Clea who is quite bitter about being used as a beard for so many years,” he added.

While Dr. Strange has been informally “outed” by the Marvel editorial staff, the character will officially come out of the closet in an upcoming mini.

“Out greatest priority right now is to ensure that we treat Dr. Strange’s coming out with the utmost respect, dignity and good taste,” Joes Quesada said. “So in July we’ll be releasing “Dr Strange goes to town in brown” a six issue mini-series written by Brian Micheal Bendis. And besides Dr. Strange's coming to terms with his sexuality, the series will feature high octane magical action, the return of a deadly foe and more rent boys than you can shake a stick at! Let’s just say there’s a reason why Dr. Strange has been performing magic for so many years without a magic wand!

“And you’ll never guess who he’ll be romantically linked with in the coming months!” Joe Quesada added cryptically. “Oh alright…it’s Northstar.”

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Cat Hater finds Catwoman "unsexy"

Slinking around countless DC comic books in innumerable sexy skintight costumes and played on screen by such stars as Haley Berry, Michelle Pfeiffer, Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, Batman antagonist Catwoman can be regarded as one of comics’ true sex symbols.

But not according to self-confessed cat hater Darren Gleeson, who stunned fans of aesthetically appealing comic book women recently by admitting that he didn’t find Catwoman sexy at all.

“Let’s quickly get this out of the way: cats aren’t sexy,” said the 37 year old chemist from his home in Crotchrot, Ohio. “When I think of cats I think of hairballs, kitty litter and my crazy aunt Clarabelle’s house that smells like piss.

“What I’m trying to say is I would rather have sex with any animal, an aardvark or a squirrel for example, than a goddamn cat. If I was into that sort of thing that is, which I’m not,” he stated emphatically.

“I just don’t understand how any red blooded male can find a comic book super villainess with a cat motif sexy,” he continued. “I know everyone has a right to an opinion but it is an objective fact that there’s nothing sexy about having tuna breath and destroying the fragile eco-balance by feasting on native fauna.”

Pictured: Catwoman. Inset: A Cat.

For Darren, who admits that he would rather date a hobo than marry a woman with a pet cat, it was the movie Batman Returns that confirmed his aversion to the character.

“I didn’t think it was possible to make Michelle Pfeiffer unsexy but somehow they did it. I mean, in that movie she was always going around licking herself and stuff. Who the hell finds a girl covered in saliva sexy? Perverts, that’s who.”

“Even worse was that scene where she pulls a bird out of its cage then eats it…what the hell was that all about? Last time I checked, there were no ‘Chicks who shove live birds down their gullets’ movies on pay-per-view.”

However, Darren says he felt compelled to speak up about this widespread public misconception after reading Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One trade paperback.

“I was flicking through the second chapter and there’s this picture of Selina lying in bed surrounded by maybe twenty cats, which is disgusting. Someone sharing a small apartment with twenty mangy, tuna eating, fur licking cats is about the least sexy thing I can think of. Okay, maybe that fat ginger idiot from Aint it Cool News but that’s about it.”

“Oh, and in that comic she is apparently a prostitute which isn’t that hot, I guess,” he added as an afterthought.

Ultimately, Darren hopes DC will rectify this situation.

“You know what I do find sexy?” he asks. “A candlelit dinner on Valentines Day with my wife…why doesn’t DC work a super villainess concept around that?"

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Message Board Poster Quits DC Comics Forever

Disgusted by a recent plot development in a comic book, a message board poster has decided to inform DC comics of his decision to stop buying their product forever via a message board post.

Posted at 11.30 last night by "Batdude378" under a new thread titled "DC has disappointed me for the last time" the post began, "Dear Dan Didio, I am writing to inform you that the sheer and utter contempt you show to all your fans has caused me to completely drop all of your books for all of eternity!"

"I've felt this way for some time," the message continued, "ever since the end of Infinite Crisis sucked worse than Greedo shooting first in SW:ANH SE. But your recent decision to kill off Terra, the best comic book character ever, has pushed me over the edge. I've decided to not ever buy any of your comic books ever again because it is clear by this spit in the face to us Terra fans that you despise anyone who has ever read any of your comics ever."

"Goodbye forever," the message ended. "You just lost a customer with your spiteful hateful arrogance."

Batdude378: quite angry

Batdude378, or Ryan O'Neal as he is more commonly known defended his actions this morning.

"I know DC owns the character and everything but I own nearly every comic Terra has appeared in," Mr. O'Neal said. "Considering my emotional investment in the character, DC totally owes it to me to keep producing her adventures on a regular basis. Preferably in stories similar to the Terra fan-fiction I've been posting on my Terra website for the last five years," he added.

"Clearly Dan Didio is mad with power and purposely killed Terra off to spite us Terra fans," O'Neal concluded. "I just hope this will teach DC a lesson. Maybe in the future they'll start treating us fans with a bit of respect by writing exactly what we want them to write."

This message has sent DC's editorial staff into a state of shock.

"We knew that not everything we printed was an instant classic," said DC editor Toby Keith. "But we never realized that killing off a z-grade character from a bunch of failed comics in the early nineties could cause some random irrationally angry guy on the Internet to stop buying all of our products!"

"We already have Geoff Johns working on Terra's return and maybe even an ongoing. We didn't think there was much interest in the character but if not giving her her own comic will cost us a single customer then we have no other choice."

DC executive editor Dan Didio provided further details of DC's response to this nighmarish situation.

"We're currently heavily in damage control mode," said Dan Didio slumped across his office desk, looking haggard and tired. "Right now we have three guys pouring over Batguy378's other message board posts. A few minutes ago they found a couple of posts about how he didn't like Superman and Lois Lane's marriage so we're seeing what we can do about that."

"What spooked me the most though," said Didio, rubbing his eyes wearily, "was his reference to Infinite Crisis. I mean, that thing came out like over a year ago...I didn't know it was still influencing people's buying habits. We've just decided to re-release it in a new trade. And we've hired Grant Morrison to ensure that the new ending will be subjectively superior to that scene in Star Wars where Greedo shoots first."

But it looks like the nighmare is set to continue. "The guy said he was going to stop buying DC comics for all eternity so I don't know what else we can do to convince him to come back. This message board post will forever change the way DC does business," Dan Didio said with a heavy sigh.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Siegel Heirs sell Superboy rights to Marvel Comics

The First Official Image of Marvel's Revamped Superboy

The heirs of Jerry Siegel shocked the comic book industry this week with the revelation that they were planning on selling the rights to DC comic book character Superboy to Marvel Comics.

Over the last fifty years, the issue of the ownership of iconic comic book character Superman has turned into a bloody court battle that culminated in the court awarding the heirs of Superman creator Jerry Siegel the rights to Superman spin-off Superboy.

And now the ongoing saga has a brand new chapter: Joe Quesada revealed this week that he was in the final stages of a deal with the Heirs of Siegel that would allow Marvel Comics to publish the adventures of Superboy for the next fifty years.

“We are very excited about this joint venture with the Heirs of Siegel,” Quesada said in Monday’s company press release. “We look forward to providing a respectable, high quality comic book platform for this character. Also this is totally our biggest burn to DC since X3 p@wned Superman Returns at the box office!”

Traditionally, the Superboy comic books followed the adventures of Superman when he was just a small town teenager, learning the ropes of being a superhero. But with the character’s relocation to the Marvel Universe, a few changes have had to be made to fit with the company’s house style.

“The first thing we decided to change was the character’s origin,” said Quesada. “I mean his original origin, rocketed from a dying planet and all that, was alright…for DC. But here at Marvel we do things a little bit differently. When Superboy makes his return to the world of comics, he’ll be a mutant whose powers are kick started after being bitten by a gamma radiated scorpion.”

Also gone is the bucolic, farming community that Superboy originally called home. “Superboy will be moving to Manhattan because all of our comic books take place in New York,” Joe Quesada explained. “Except Runaways and Alpha Flight but they never sell well anyway so who cares.”

But the changes don’t end there. “The original Superboy was pretty happy and well adjusted so we’ll naturally be laying on a bunch of angst and crippling anxiety once he joins Marvel U. For example, in his first issue he’ll discover that his making physical contact with anyone will give them cancer. This of course will also stop him from ever revealing his feelings to love interest Sally Sullivan who is also loved by his best friend Peppy McGuire.

“We also plan on making Superboy a little more topical,” Joe Quesada continued. “Shortly after his reintroduction it will be established that the white “Live 8 make poverty history” bracelet Superboy was wearing at the time he got his powers can never be removed otherwise he will die. We’re looking to get Judd Winick to write that one."

Joe Quesada hopes that this is only the start of a larger scheme to buy out DC’s more popular superhero properties. “We’re currently in talks with the Heirs of Bob Kane to see if they can get us Robin the Boy Wonder. We already have a new origin involving the Vietnam War and a gamma radiated sledgehammer all worked out.”

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Judd Winick tackles important issue of Feline AIDS

In a controversial move this week, DC comics revealed that Power Girl’s cat would contract feline AIDS in a very special issue of JSA Classified penned by Judd Winick.

Power Girl’s cat was originally a popular supporting cast member of the early nineties Justice League Europe series, his catnip fueled shenanigans proving to be a series highlight for many. However, after the end of Justice League Europe, Power Girl’s cat spent several years in comic book limbo, barely surviving on the very occasional guest appearance in other titles.

But it looked like there would be a happy ending for Power Girl’s cat after all, the beloved supporting character finally finding a permanent home in the successful JSA franchise. Unfortunately, it looks like his personal turmoil is set to continue: in this week’s Judd Winick written issue of JSA Classified Power Girl’s cat shares a water bowl with a FIV infected tabby and tragically contracts the disease himself.

Power Girl's Cat: Venereally Diseased

“I saw it as a natural progression,” Judd Winick stated two days after the release of the controversial issue. “I mean, if you go back and read those issues of JLE the cat was always coughing and looking sick and stuff. And if there’s anything thirty-seven years of watching movies has taught me, anytime someone coughs or looks sick they inevitably find out they have cancer or syphilis or AIDS.”

Winick added that readers should not expect every issue of JSA Classified to deal with Power Girl's Cat's FIV status. "It's a part of who he is, but it's not the total sum of his life," Winick said. "We deal with it through the conclusion of this story arc. But in the next six issues I don't think it even comes up. It's mostly about him being a super heroine’s cat…taking a dump in a plastic tray, scratching up furniture, licking his asshole. You know, living his life.

Judd Winick’s decision to work a social message into the ongoing saga of Power Girl’s cat was well received by DC’s editorial staff.

“I was hoping someone would do a feline AIDS storyline somewhere in the DC universe,” said DC’s Senior Vice President Dan Didio. “I think it is very relevant. In fact we were looking at AIDSing up Tigorr from the Omega Men when Judd pitched his idea to us.”

However, the idea has been less well received by fans of DC’s line of comics.

“This is just another example of Judd Winick imposing his social agenda on everything,” one irate reader posted on the DC Comics Message Board under the name Deathstroke_Rawks69. “Next thing you know we’ll be reading an issue of Action Comics where Superman endorses the brutal senseless murder of fetuses. They have souls people! They have souls.”

"Yet more nails in the coffin that is the Giffen Justice League," posted another disgusted reader. “I mean first they turn Maxwell Lord evil, then shoot Blue Beatle in the head and now Power Girl’s cat. Clearly, DC is just using Power Girl’s Cat as a means in which to express their sociopathic hatred for all things Keith Giffen. I bet they wish he has feline AIDS.”

But Judd Winick is unperturbed by this reaction; in fact he laughs it off.

“Look, the thing is, comics are mostly read by mature adults and they should reflect that,” Judd Winick said. “And if that means working the stories around adult, real word themes then so be it.”

When asked what readers can expect next in his six issue run on JSA Classified Judd Winick hinted that the main supervillain of the story arc would be a giant talking gorilla and that he was currently working on an entire issue about Power Girl’s breasts.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Comic Store Employee worried that he has become a 'media stereotype'

Long-time Metropolis Comix employee, Adam Dwight became self-consciously aware last Thursday of how much he conforms to the media stereotype of a 'massive geek'.

The 36 year old Plebville, Wyoming resident began to question several of his life choices when he caught sight of himself in a shop window.

"I was crossing the road during my lunch hour when I got a glimpse of my reflection in the window of Nuts about Walnuts. Needless to say I was shocked by what I saw!" Mr. Dwight said. "Basically I saw an obese guy with glasses, ginger hair, a pony-tail and a beard clad in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts. All I needed was a greasy burrito clutched in my hand and I would have been the biggest walking stereotype of all time! Fortunately I'd just finished eating my burrito two minutes prior."

Adam Dwight: Possibly a citizen of an alernate reality

This sudden revelation has shaken Mr. Dwight's entire sense of self.

"I've never really thought of myself as a nerd before," he said. "I mean, sure, I work part-time in a comic book store, I cried when Chewbacca was killed in that Star Wars EU novel, I can speak Borg, I play Everquest II 15 hours a day and I have never had a girlfriend. But I didn't think that all those thing were somehow connected. Besides, I'm not just into comic books and science fiction. I mean, I like music too...for example I really love Led Zeppelin. You wouldn't believe how many references to J.R.R. Tolkien there are in Battle of Evermore!"

"But this," he continued, "has really changed the way I look at myself. I'm not just a nerd, I'm a media stereotype. Basically I'm the Uncle Tom of the Wizard Magazine reading world."

However Mr. Dwight is convinced that this revelation has deeper ramifications.

"Call me crazy but I find this whole situation a little bit suspicious," Dwight said. "I mean, how do I know I'm not just a "Comic Book Guy" type character in some TV show but have never realized it before? Maybe while I was asleep or something, I slipped into an alternate reality where fictional characters are able to lead normal lives. Or maybe I never existed and I'm just the figment of some writer's imagination. This situation raises a lot of important philosophical questions."

Adam Dwight's mother rolls her eyes when asked about her son's new found existentialism. "I can assure you that my son Adam is real. I can still remember the pain of squeezing that fat lump out my cooch," Mrs. Dwight said. "Though I suppose this latest attempt to escape reality into a fantasy world is a marginal improvement over that time he refused to take those damn Spock ears off and made everyone call him Elgar Borg-Killer VII for three years."

"For someone who has apparently slipped into an alternate reality, he is suspiciously still living in my basement," she added.

Gays Don't Belong in Comics says Angry Consumer

A light hearted trip to the local comic book store turned sour for Jim Healy of Skunkspray, Illinois when it was discovered that his purchase, a Young Avengers trade paperback was pushing a "liberal, homosexual agenda".

"I was just sitting at home, minding my own business, flicking through my recent purchases when I was shocked to discover that the Young Avengers had all sorts of horribly innapropriate sexual content," Healy said. "Basically two male characters Wiccan and Hulking share a chaste kiss and refer to each other as partners. It was shocking and revolting!"

"Comics should be for kids," says Jim Healy, pictured with his extensive toy collection.

"Now, I don't have a problem with homosexuality," Healy continued. "Whatever these gays do is fine with me. As long as they do it behind close doors. In another country. Preferably a country I've never heard of. But I don't want it going on in the comic books that I read for entertainment."

But it was the inclusion of such content in what has traditionally been a family friendly company that upset Mr. Healy the most.

"Everyone knows that superhero comic books are meant to be for kids," he said, relaxing in his study, lined wall to wall with figurines and busts of various Marvel characters including a large statue of Ultimate Hulk tearing Ultimate Wolverine in half. "And I don't think they should be expose to this sort of filth. Won't somebody think of the goddamn children?"

Mr. Healy admits that he doesn't have any children himself but can still imagine the sort of questions such a comic book would force a parent to answer.

"How would you have liked it if when you were eight years old your parents had had to tell you that some men enjoy shoving their wee-holes up each others assholes and whipping each other while wearing leather chaps and rubber gags?" he said.

When he registered his complaints on the Marvel based internet message board True Believers, Healy was shocked by the response he got from fellow comic book fans.

"Basically, they were calling me a bigot, which is crazy! I mean, Queen is one of my favourite bands. Also when I watched Philadelphia I didn't vomit once, even when Antonio Banderas flaunted his perverted alternate lifestyle by being sad when Tom Hanks died. So don't go labeling me a homophobe," Healy said.