Saturday, June 16, 2007

Cat Hater finds Catwoman "unsexy"

Slinking around countless DC comic books in innumerable sexy skintight costumes and played on screen by such stars as Haley Berry, Michelle Pfeiffer, Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, Batman antagonist Catwoman can be regarded as one of comics’ true sex symbols.

But not according to self-confessed cat hater Darren Gleeson, who stunned fans of aesthetically appealing comic book women recently by admitting that he didn’t find Catwoman sexy at all.

“Let’s quickly get this out of the way: cats aren’t sexy,” said the 37 year old chemist from his home in Crotchrot, Ohio. “When I think of cats I think of hairballs, kitty litter and my crazy aunt Clarabelle’s house that smells like piss.

“What I’m trying to say is I would rather have sex with any animal, an aardvark or a squirrel for example, than a goddamn cat. If I was into that sort of thing that is, which I’m not,” he stated emphatically.

“I just don’t understand how any red blooded male can find a comic book super villainess with a cat motif sexy,” he continued. “I know everyone has a right to an opinion but it is an objective fact that there’s nothing sexy about having tuna breath and destroying the fragile eco-balance by feasting on native fauna.”

Pictured: Catwoman. Inset: A Cat.

For Darren, who admits that he would rather date a hobo than marry a woman with a pet cat, it was the movie Batman Returns that confirmed his aversion to the character.

“I didn’t think it was possible to make Michelle Pfeiffer unsexy but somehow they did it. I mean, in that movie she was always going around licking herself and stuff. Who the hell finds a girl covered in saliva sexy? Perverts, that’s who.”

“Even worse was that scene where she pulls a bird out of its cage then eats it…what the hell was that all about? Last time I checked, there were no ‘Chicks who shove live birds down their gullets’ movies on pay-per-view.”

However, Darren says he felt compelled to speak up about this widespread public misconception after reading Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One trade paperback.

“I was flicking through the second chapter and there’s this picture of Selina lying in bed surrounded by maybe twenty cats, which is disgusting. Someone sharing a small apartment with twenty mangy, tuna eating, fur licking cats is about the least sexy thing I can think of. Okay, maybe that fat ginger idiot from Aint it Cool News but that’s about it.”

“Oh, and in that comic she is apparently a prostitute which isn’t that hot, I guess,” he added as an afterthought.

Ultimately, Darren hopes DC will rectify this situation.

“You know what I do find sexy?” he asks. “A candlelit dinner on Valentines Day with my wife…why doesn’t DC work a super villainess concept around that?"


Wolverine4eva said...

Catwoman hasn't been a supervillain for like ten years or something.

Jesus, do you guys even read comics?

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